What is the meaning of life? Why do we exist? Good questions. I know the answers. Keep reading and you will find out everything that’s ever mattered!
Human beings are very good at following instructions. For example, don’t think of a pink elephant for the next ten seconds. Good job! For example (again), don’t take any of the following words with a grain of salt. Salt is bad for you.
Let’s begin with the presumption that you know that stuff happens in life. If you’re a brilliant intellectual, like myself, you may occasionally wonder why some of the stuff happens. Well lucky for you, here is a diagram neatly categorizing the reasons for all the stuff that happens around you.
Note the creative genius it took to make this.
On Purpose
On purpose will be first because I purposely am putting it first. On purpose means on purpose. (Wow this asshole is actually explaining to us what on purpose means? Yes he is.) This is a pretty easy one. A lot of things happen in your life because you make them happen. When you set an alarm clock for 1:38 p.m. in the morning and wake up at 1:38, you have successfully completed on purpose! When you eat food and the food goes in your body, that’s on purpose! When you go to into the bathroom to make the food come out of your body… okay next topic…
Accident
Accident is basically the opposite of on purpose. When you set the alarm clock for 1:38 p.m. in the morning and sleep through the ringing and your roommate comes in and smashes your face with a 7-iron because you pissed him off with the loud alarm sounds, that is accident. When your bloody corpse is being sent to the crematorium and the driver makes a wrong turn and your loved ones don’t get the ashes in time for the celebration (celebration?), that is accident. When you miss your eye doctor appointment because you accidentally died, that is accident.
Fate
Fate was destined to be third on this list. That’s why it’s third. Fate is when Jesus walked on water. Fate is when Noah’s arc parted the Red Sea. Fate is when Santa Claus got me presents for Hanukkah. Fate is when Harambe lived forever. Fate is when this section was a genuine analysis of spiritual belief.
Coincidence
Coincidence is kind of like accident, except it’s different. Accidents are unintended results with direct causes, but coincidences are the result of chance occurrences. Basically anything that happens coincidentally is a coincidence. So insightful, right!?! (Don’t insert emojis). Coincidence is when you’re walking your dog in the park and a bird takes a shit on your head. Coincidence is when you’re walking home from the park and a bird takes a shit on your foot. Coincidence is when you get home and Sesame Street is on TV. Coincidence is when you inevitably freak out after misunderstanding all of the coincidences in your life and then get a text from a friend asking if you want to go to the movies the next day, and then you’re going to the movies and on the way there you run into another friend you haven’t seen a long time, and then the three of you talk about fantasy football for a few minutes and it becomes mildly unpleasant because you’re about to be late for the movie so you awkwardly say goodbye, and then you go watch the movie. And the movie is pretty good.
What’s the circumference of your circumcision?
The new chart is my personal view of how to weigh the categories of possibility. Do not accept it as fact, unless you want to. It’s fate that we will agree if you agree. It’s also fate that I convinced myself to remove fate from the fate diagram. Fate is a strange sounding word. Good night.